chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
