doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
