why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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