There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
