Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
