I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize