Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
