I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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