were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Randomize
