Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
So many bounce houses so little time
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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