I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Randomize
