dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
