I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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