i don't like sucking hair
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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