Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
