i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
