White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize