I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
