I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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