I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
