there's paper in my vomit.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
