The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
