How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
