mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
