My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize