Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
