i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
