The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
