Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
