I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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