someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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