Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
