Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
