I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i came on her dog
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
