I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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