can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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