Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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