Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
