If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
