I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
