Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
