my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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