At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
