he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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