remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
