you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Randomize