The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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