Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
