We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
