I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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