Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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