She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
