I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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